A little something of me, a bit too into my guitar. This picture has been taken a few weeks ago, when I had my 'mini-performance'. Of course, it was full of poses, but this one's real.

Yesterday I was over at Sara's place...I went over there to make her brand new guitar 'work', I just don't understand why the girl would buy a guitar without even knowing how to play it. Well, I guess she will now.

Anyways, we started discussing our future plans and college and stuff...we agreed that, if I end up going to college here, we're gonna be roommates...it's all fine by me...If I stay here after graduation.

To be honest, I don't know where I wanna go anymore...reasons for me traveling are decreasing...but there are some solid reason that still hang on to that wall. I want to travel, I want to meet people, I want to do the stuff I wasn't able to do here...but it all seems all like a selfish act of me, with so much 'I's in my speech...

then again, I've always been selfish...I don't know if this makes it any different or not...but whenever I think about the subject, I always tell myself that it's too early for that kinda thinking...but it's not, I know it's not...I'm in denial, I'm still thinking I'm this little kid, but I'm not all grown up either, so it's a pretty shitty place right now...it really makes you think about yourself, your strengths, weaknesses, abilities, disabilities, hopes and dreams, what you want to do and what you need to do...

I think that, one of my abilities is that I leave a good impression and get inside the heart, for the first while at least...but then comes a disability...I'm unable to stay there. I haven't met any new people and I'm driving the close ones that are already there, away...I don't have the ability to turn some one's insides out, to make someone think of my name or the stuff I said before going to bed or waking up in the morning...pretty sad isn't it? I can't say I'm alone, but I'm definitely lonely.

But let's look on the bright side, I'm a private person by nature. I kinda like people to respect my over-privacy. You have to dig your way in to breach this little shell I've created for myself. But it's good over all if you don't. If you're there in times I need you and show it, then I'll be fine. if it's not too much to ask..

I won't get myself back together from this whole I've fallen into till I learn how to trust myself and get back my trust in others...till that time, as Sara might put it, Let's all hide behind the big red curtain.

Too much Kiwi/Lime juice could really get to you...

for the past while, I've been working on fixing my piece of junk of a computer, recently it started acting up, and by 'acting up', I mean PMSing, shutting down by itself, crashing for no reason, kinda thing....so, what I did was take it all apart in attempt to try and do something about it...changing the RAM was not the issue, everything was in place, and the CD/DVD drive certainly wasn't the problem (every time I put something in that drive, the computer crashes without any intention of turning on again)..In the end, I ended up putting it on the side, and stole a laptop...

that's right! I get the laptop, and you get to play 'God of War II' with the PS2 you were supposed to bring back last year. That was the deal!

In other news, I'm expected to be an Aunt any day now...her due date's supposed to be..next week maybe? anyways...yeah, finally we can get this over with and start phase 2 of the whole thing.....should I be happy? it took me almost 8 months to get used to her being around...but now, just when I learnt how to deal with things, it's getting worse....I know, this is not a good sign...

In my life, I've gotten used to the fact that I'm not taken seriously around here cause I'm the youngest...which really makes me feel weird if I am taken seriously. The kinda attention I always got was either the ones you give kids to make them shut up, or as limited attention you could ask for only in certain times....which led me to realize something:

I'm not really good with attention...showing me that I am of importance...cause this leads me to want to act selfish...cause If you tell me I'm important...I either wanna be something irreplaceable...or not be important at all....guess I'm an all-or-nothing kinda person...

Maybe I'm just getting bored..without any free times for myself. but gaining and losing attention is not something I like...I slowly lose motivation with it...which really makes me feel worthless...if I'm not motivated, what will I be able to do?

My grades are slipping, but frankly, I don't care...I don't care about my final score, and I don't care if I got a scolarship or not...something in me tells me that either way, I'm ending up in the university they're making me attend...weren't they the ones that said that I won't be going to a private school if I want to go to the college I want? the college I pick?

the thought of my future being decided like that...makes me sad, really...okay, I go to the best college HERE, I study something they approve of, and graduate, then what? stay stuck here and return to this seat once again? it bums me out to this that this is my life...I am selfish, arn't I?

School out in almost 2 months...weather's changing and my nose starts to bleed once again.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll go take out whatever memories I have from that computer to send it away to an unknown fate.