A Sloppy Update

Back!

I don't really have much today, but I felt like updating a bit...so I'll try to make this a meaningful post.

I've been downloading a shitload of movies lately, mostly for my brother but, I took the liberty to download stuff for myself as well, and since my friends have been busy lately being with their lives, I try and entertain myself with those movies. How Healthy, huh? It's amazing how many concepts I have developed through those moveis. See, I'm into moveis that are twisted, kinda disturbing, where you don't know what the hell is going on, till the end when the simplist of things happen that changes everything and gives you a stroke....that make you wake up in the middle of the night going "ohhhh so that's what they ment..."...yeah.

School's in almost a month. I'll start my senior year. I gotta re-design my uniform again...buy some shirts as well....I hate getting ready for school, with all the time consuming preperations. But this year will be the last...oh, maybe a new pair of shoes...

There have been a sort of tention here in my house...the biggest and most obvious one right now is the one between me and my sister-in-law...I declaired war...Enough is Enough. Cause the misses doesn't have the right to bitch at me infront of everyone about me not being able to sleep at my brother's house when I needed to sleep there. It's my brother's house as much as it's hers, so I kinda have the right to sleep there a night or two. Hell, after what happened, I'd rather sleep on a side walk on a cold winter night than to crawl to her doorstep.

What's amazing is that she claims that she feels guilty about it and wants to make it up to me somehow...but only because she wants to get rid of the feeling of being guilty. She doesn't even come to talk to me, so I started the riot. I kept bitching at her this time, I didn't yell but I was angry, and all she could do was nod and say 'Okay' while feeding the baby....Let's see what goes on from here, Rasha.

This old friend of mine....we used to be really close...best friends...but recently...well. a bit longer than "recently", we started drifting apart because of something stupid. A fight that didn't even start between us, got us apart. And when the time comes to forget all that shit and start talking like we used to before, she goes on and stabs me in the back again.

Whenever I call (yes, I still call her from time to time), She'd go on cussing at me and blaming me for not calling her or asking about her, when she's really doing the same thing to me, at least I'm calling from time to time, if she really have cared, she'd keep calling me, then bitch at me about not calling.

At times when she's in the city, she pretends that she wants to go out with me but really she doesn't, so she developed this stratigy. She'd go to a place, and then at night she'd call me and tells me to come to where she is..at a time where I'm probably busy doing something else. Then blames me for not agreeing to see her, claiming that whenever she calls, I decline...I mean honestly...I'm obviously pissed about it, that's why I'm typing it right now. Cause I know not many will see this, so it's best to get it out of me now.

Good news is : Hala got her internet connection steady...so that's a yay. She's loving Jordan, surprisingly...But I'm happy for her....though she is starting school in 8 days...sucks for her, huh?

How many nights on a couch does it take to fuck up your spine?

Confrontation and Slip-Aways

Confrontation is basically my way of dealing with things. I don't like to take turns and detours, I just try to face everything head on. And it seems like I've been on this "Confrontation" roll lately. Although it had got me into major conflicts and probably made me lose a couple of friends, but I'm just a straight-to-the-point person.

I've been a little sick and week for a few days...it wasn't really laziness after all...I looked like I've been to hell and back again. But I guess I got a little better now...though I still feel hot most of the time.

There was this band that really caught my attention only because they were looking for a vocalist. They were around my age and in the same city I'm in...I contacted the drummer, he's a nice guy..we've been talking a bit, I also met the guitarist, but I figured that I won't be joining after all cause what I want seems different from what they want....though the guitarist is trying to persuade me still...but I just have to decline....I gotta focus on my studies next year, so I won't have much time for the band anyways.

That self confidence that I've seemed to gain for the past weeks, is sorta fading away once again. I don't know what it is, but..it's like, I wanna be exposed, but at the same time, I don't. And after all that I've been through this summer, I still feel like I'm not doing what I should be doing....what the hell is missing? goddammit.

I think have grown up in the wrong way...I wasn't a bad kid, but I wasn't a good one either...I managed to stay out of trouble, but didn't really stay on the safe side either....I'm just a product of something that went totally wrong...and I guess what I'm trying to do right now, is fix it..though I know it's too late, but it's the only thing that I could hang on to, or else, I would be totally lost, with no purpose and basically no identity.

I'm glad I actually have this blog. It's been like a year now since I've got it....I havn't really had a place where I would just talk to myself like this....I'm not trying to tell people something...I'm just an alter ego right now...cause then, the other me would look back at this, and try to figure me out more. No, I don't have a split personality...I just can't talk to anyone like this, not even the people who are the closest, who mean the most. But I guess everything's just slipping away now....I'll let myself figure out what I mean.

though I usually feel hot lately, today I feel extremely cold...

Something New

A new image for this supposedly new me. though it's only a haircut and a few pounds lost.

So anyways, what could've happened to me in these 2 weeks without a single update? let me fill you in :

Doctor sessions have been going smooth...what I noticed that doctors only tell you what you want to hear, then again, this might be the exact thing a patient needs...but I guess I'm not taking it as serious, am I? well...today's my last session, let's see how it goes.

It's been a long time since I've really hung out with friends...these days, I'm all focused on trying new things, meeting new people, doing stuff I don't regularly do...I don't know what's gotten into me...I guess it's really affecting me now...this whole change thing...but I try not to think about it so much...no point in fighting it, no point in focusing on it either...I'm just letting it flow through me to see where it's taking me. I don't care if it's screwing me up or fixing me...as long as something is happening, it's good.

I saw the Transformers movie last night. I am well prepared to pay money to watch it again. That's how good it was. The graphics and animations were a killer. You know that phrase 'there's a kid living inside of every one?' well...my inner kid got out that time...When all the 'good guys' began grouping and transformed into the autobots for the first time, I had the biggest smile on my face...After the movie, I started pointing out cars in the parking lot that could pass for a transformer. ~laughs~ I think that there's a possible sequel to the movie...but we all know that part 2 of every movie is sort of a step down from the first part.

I've always felt something about myself...but I only realised it recently...among the people I hang out with in my everyday...I'm the one odd one out of all. I stand out from the group...which could be a good and a bad thing...When I'm with a bunch of couples, I'm the only single one. With I'm with a bunch of girl I know, I'm the only one who goes to a public school. Among my friends, I'm the loud messed up girl with issues ~laughs~. Among my family, I'm the young member who doesn't see things clear yet. In my class, I'm the only *Americanized* awkward weird girl...Which really doesn't let me belong to any of them, but force myself to fit in...I don't know why I'm talking about it, but I want to....I'm a complicated bitch, I know...but..that's the way I am...I guess there isn't much complicated bitches around for me to fit in with them, huh? lol

this might sound offensive to the people who care about me. Believe me, I care about you too, I'm not denying what everyone has done for me, but sometimes, this just happens...I can't help the things I felt even before I met any of you...I guess somethings are bound to never change.

I'm gonna shut up about my ramblings now....and I'll see you soon.

Departure

So...It's July the 1st. A month has passed already, I can't help but to look back at what happened during the past month of my summer. The picture you guys are looked at is me with 2 of my closest friends, I believe you have met Joe and Hala before. I just felt obligated to put this particular picture in this particular post.

The song you're all listening to is 'Famous Last Words' by 'My Chemical Romance'. I'm not a big fan of them, but this particular band and song was what Hala was known for here. These past few days I spent away from home, was spent with these 2 people, mostly. cause it was our last chance for the 3 of us to be together, and now that she's not here, it's kinda weird, knowing that she's not right next door anymore. Hala, if you're reading this, you know what I'm trying to say.

Oscar, the cat, has been taken to Joe's. I would have taken him in myself, except everyone here started bitching about the baby. But I'm here for any advice Joe might have about him. Everything I wanted to say has been said already, so no need to repeate myself. Good luck in Jordan, Hala.

And now, for the other half of the post :

Things at home are confusing, as usual. But I guess you could say that I came up with a new resolution for myself. No use of being the only one depressed all the time, it'll eventually affect my life in all aspect, and my health. Let's just hope that I get to keep that resolution.

On other note, Guess what people. I just found out that Oblivion Dust is back! yes, FAKE?'s Ken Lloyd's former band is back for 2 concerts in september, not sure if this will lead to any new material, but I'm excited about that. O.D could really kick some musical ass. so..yeah, that's good news.

My life's at a turning point right now...to me, it's like the summer of seperating a kid from an adult. And it's turning out to be the worst, to be frank. But it had to come someday, the change, the departures, the seperations and the goodbyes. They all had to come someday. But I'm just bitching right now.

Let's just see how this months gonna turn out...any departures and changes, anyone?