Spider2pins So Beautiful

Keepin it real

2007-12-15T22:53:00.000+04:00

Howdy.

Let me put everything that has happened with me so far extremely briefly :
School ended. Finals ended. it's Spring Break.

I'm not about to discuss anything more cause it's not even worth mentioning. it's like a pause period of me not being....basically, alive. I was just a working machine. Sure, a few emotions spurred up, but logic thinking shot it down. Finals sucked...and my grades come out Monday. Day after tomorrow. And about to freak.

What's new with me, you ask? well, Finals got me dropping 8 pounds, which is great. I got a hair cut like 2 weeks ago...definitely a change. have to post up a picture later on. It looks better than before and actually easier to deal with. And now, I'm spending time at home being...useless? yeah, that's it. But I need to enjoy this feeling while it lasts. I finally see it for its value.

No matter how many hours I try to get to make up for all the lost ones during finals, I don't seem to get enough. Pretty soon I'mma be a sloth. But I guess I gotta keep my days busy doing the stuff I wasn't able to do for these past months.

There's a wedding in January that I have to attend to, and seeing that I don't really own a lot of dresses (we're talking like 2-3 dresses here), I need to find me one fast. I went through a whole mall yesterday without finding anything that's close to what I want. I gotta check out another mall soon...and not just for the dress, but the whole look.

Speaking about January, My birthday's coming up. It's a big deal for me since it's my 18th. I'd like to do something a little special for the occasion, but I gotta think fast. Any Suggestions anyone?

before worrying about any of that, I gotta worry about my fate. What the hell is going to happen on Monday? I'm sort of in between in wanting to know and not to know...but I guess if I gotta know something, I must wait....isn't it always like this? whatever's on your mind, always take time....oh well

How are you keeping it real?

Picture Perfect....Almost

2007-10-24T23:37:00.000+04:00

My updates are getting less and less each month. I've really underestimated senior year. or maybe it's just carelessness on my part.

Let's see...where did we leave off last time? well, workload kinda piled up on me the past week. As a result, I didn't even have an hour to myself, and been getting less sleep each day to get everything done in time. I seem to exaggerate but I'm not. I didn't really get to enjoy the pain relief I felt from my back, for it to come back again due to the long hours of sitting in a shitty chair on a computer to finish the research.

Next week is the due date for all the Projects/Reports/all that crap. All my individual assignments have already either been handed in or gonna be done by this weekend. but I'm in a group in both chem and bio, and no body seemed to get anything done. I had to step in and to stop them from messing everything up. I decided that if they're not gonna do anything about it, I will do things my way. and it resulted in me being the leader of the groups...they come to me to tell them what to do next. Let's hope everything goes well next week during presentation.

I should go buy something I want instead of something I need for a change...

I got pretty sick a while ago, it lasted a good bit. I had a couple of days off of school, but I ended up only skipping 1. I'm such a nerd, I know, but I have to, senior year...yeah, I'm not prepared to work my ass off even more trying to figure out what I missed. I'm still recovering from it...and its funny....the only time I really felt like singing and recording again, is the time I got sick...now I lost my motivation, I gotta find me another one.

The Canon EOS 400D looks so hot right now....

Bit of my Life.

2007-10-02T17:28:00.000+04:00

Cheers!

Thought I should let this post more 'in the moment' , and decided to take a picture of the me right now, who's writing this :

Starting off the month with a playful sound, as I call it. I'm guessing this is the start of something new. I can't really descrobe what it is right now, but I'll try my best to reflect it in a good way.

1. It's funny how simple I could get. How the smallest thing can touch my insicurities so easily and pulls me down. It's also funny how you'd lift up my mood with just a simple line or gesture. Opening my eyes to something I've forgotten for a long time, or perhaps never really took a notice to.

2. These days I've been working like crazy to get everything done on my end. It's not that I'm trying to get everything perfect or something, I'm just trying to keep up, cause I feel like I'm falling behind. I gotta work at a faster pace. Yeah, I'm getting you done, Arabic Lit. report tonight!.

3. I think I might've done a big mistake. I think I was wrong to somebody...and I've been feeling terrible about it. I can't even reach them anymore. I'm a little worried, I can honestly say. I'm gonna give it a few more days and try to work this out. There's something I'd like to make clear.

4. Hopefully, I'm getting a little days off soon, so I can breath a bit. I'd be able to post more and get in touch with a few people I've been neglecting. and hopefully, get the rest of the work done in peace.

You gladly gave me everything you had and more, You craved my happiness,

When you make me feel joy it makes you smile, But now I feel your stress,

Love was never meant to be such a crazy affair, no And who has time for tears,

Never thought I'd sit around and cry for your love,

'till now...

I think I now know what these words talk about....

See ya.

Back for a bit

2007-09-19T19:56:00.000+04:00

Back to blogging again. it's been a while.

Ever since school started, I havn't really had a lot of time for myself. They gave us a shitload of work in the beginning of the year, but after we went and actually did all the work for a change, they decided to cancel it so that they'd lift some things off our shoulders......being hardworking doesn't really pay off much in this case.

It's rare that you'd find me just sitting at home doing nothing because of it...basically been overworking myself, but then again, that is what I'm supposed to do now, cause if I don't, I'll never keep up with what's coming. and that's the key to make it through this year.

other than that, ever since it started, I've been having these really horrible back pains, till I finally for it checked. turns out, I have a little more than just mere simple back pains. it's really complicated and I'm not gonna talk about it, but all I gotta do is to keep up with what I was told to do, and hopefully it'll go away soon...cause I'm only enduring the pain in hopes that it can be fixed. my spine, that is.....(I might show you guys the x-ray just for fun)

I gotta start getting back in shape again....Ramadan started and all I've been doing is eating and sitting <.< I'm hitting the pool again once it's over.

Sorry, I don't have much to say now...

The "Back to School" Update

2007-08-26T20:32:00.000+04:00

Last days of my summer were calm, contact-less, and boring...well, except for Thursday (I'll get to that later). It was like the calm before the storm, you know? I'll just write the jumbled thoughts from the top of my head, cause I can't really organize them now :

My day started out at 5:30 AM. This always happens to be on the first day of school. I'm either unable to sleep, or just manage to sleep for a few hours and wake up extra early...anyways, I calmly prepared myself, made sure I look decent and all that ~laugh~ I have to look my best at the first day of school. It's just a habit.

I ended up in school at 7. It was weird seeing the school again. Nothing has changed..well..except the new marble floors, but it looks the same..it didn't feel like I was on vacation at all...maybe like, a weekend, then just any given Sunday. It was tiring just standing there cause it was too freakin hot, but I waited till I saw everyone I know and said my greetings, then went to my class and got me a seat. I just waiting with a bunch of friends till the bell rang.

Classes were boring. All were explanatory about the upcoming year, and how important it is, and basically just pressuring us science students even more. Then came the part about the whole curriculum and the new system...it was just disturbing but I promised myself that I'd kick my own ass and study good this year.

It was painful to listen to all the teachers today...except in the last 2 periods. The so called 'Teacher Queen" ended up as out teacher for this year. She started out her speech just like the other teachers but she seems okay...I hope she's okay. She made us write a little something about each and every one of us. Anything we wanted..I ended up writing about music, and my condition. I'm glad I can write about it freely without being bothered now.

I hope all my teachers are okay..I'm not saying I want them to be the best, but only enough to make me understand the point. I don't really wanna result to private teachers and after-school school thingies...I never resulted to any of these, and hopefully, I'll never result to them.

I'm practically taking the same subjects I took last year, only advanced. Chem and Physics were a shocker...they're double the size compared to last year's books, and I remember how much I suffered from those...I can only be hopeful. Rumors say that Senior year is always easier than Sophomore year...I hope this applies here too, cause I had a hell last year, I'm not sure if I can do it again or not. But I am going to give it my all this time, I'm trying to prove something here, and I will prove it. I can at least say that I tried.

It would be nice to know that I'm encouraging and being encouraged....no one bothered to ask about how my day went or how do I feel..and the people that I wanted to tell the most about it weren't there today...I'll be optimistic and say that it's not a big deal, and it's only the first day of school.

Looking back at how the whole day went, and thinking about what to expect in the upcoming year, I'd say that the day was "Okay".

Fracture

2007-08-16T00:38:00.000+04:00

Anthony Hopkins is the kinda bad guy that you just gotta love. With all his witty comments and his easy going attitude, he's this mysterious genious...That's what I love about him...Though I've never seen him as Hannibal Lecter due to some people always thinking that Iwas 'too young' to see those kinda movies...but still...I love the guy. Though it really shows how old he's getting.

For a little while, I've been a little busy, making use of the time I got left before starting Senior year. I'm no where near finishing my school shopping, plus this wedding thing came up that I gotta prepare for as well, I like to think that I am done with that. But I think I'll get everything done one day before school starts at tops. Yeah, I got myself covered.

Been trying to get in touch with this old friend of mine. I believe I mentioned her in a previous post. She came back from her vacation and I'd like to have the oppertunity to sit with her before she heads off to college. But the thing is that I never had the chance to do so. Something always came up. I feel ashamed, since it's someone I have called my best friend before...so yeah, I gotta get it done, also before school starts.

Not every relationship works out. I learned that recently through one hell of an experience. You just might not know when the closest people to you will turn their backs to you and leave you there just like that, no matter how long you've stayed with them. I don't hate them or anything, I'm just sad. Sad about the person I am right now, sad about person I was with them, and mostly sad about what they couldn't see in me (and also what they could see in me). I can't do anything more right now, but feel this...self-loathing thing, but I'm alright...I just have new principles right now...and I hope I never go through this kinda thing again.

So I guess it's either I change, or the world changes...Does any of this sound right to you?

Riddle

2007-08-04T00:26:00.000+04:00

It's an interesting post for me tonight, cause I've been through probably one of the worst nights I've had yet. Nothing in particular happened, but...it was hell for me.

I didn't really feel like sleeping, so I decided to catch up on some reading, and that went good. Till I decided to call it a day and finally pass out at 3:30-4:00 AM. As I was lying down on a couch, I couldn't keep my eyes shut for some reason...maybe it was just the couch I was sleeping on, but it wasn't. My mind was playing tricks on me, cause it was racing like a bitch.

Different random thoughts that I don't think I'd ever think about starting coming to me...and no, I couldn't get rid of them. So I just kept thinking and thinking and thinking. I tried changing the place, I went to sleep on a bed..no luck...it just won't leave me alone...my own mind won't leave me alone. I kept searching for an exit, but my mind was shooting thoughts at me, one after the other.

I just couldn't hide, I couldn't just avoid thinking about anything and stick to nothing. So I try to figure out what the hell is it that my mind is trying to tell me, figuring out each thought in my own way, and still got nowhere near what the point was. I really didn't feel like myself that night, I was sorta trapped. Trapped inside my own damn mind.

It all went to rest about 6:00-6:15. AM..only for it to come back to haunt me at 9:00 AM. So I get up and spend the whole day roaming like a ghost, I was in a sort of aftershock state...what happens when you get an earthquake...that sort of feeling...the thoughts that came to me last night starting faintly to cross my mind....aftershock. It was a fucking ordeal...It's been a while since I've had nights like this...

I gotta solve the riddle to figure out what the hell happened to me last night.

A Sloppy Update

2007-07-29T09:55:00.000+04:00

Back!

I don't really have much today, but I felt like updating a bit...so I'll try to make this a meaningful post.

I've been downloading a shitload of movies lately, mostly for my brother but, I took the liberty to download stuff for myself as well, and since my friends have been busy lately being with their lives, I try and entertain myself with those movies. How Healthy, huh? It's amazing how many concepts I have developed through those moveis. See, I'm into moveis that are twisted, kinda disturbing, where you don't know what the hell is going on, till the end when the simplist of things happen that changes everything and gives you a stroke....that make you wake up in the middle of the night going "ohhhh so that's what they ment..."...yeah.

School's in almost a month. I'll start my senior year. I gotta re-design my uniform again...buy some shirts as well....I hate getting ready for school, with all the time consuming preperations. But this year will be the last...oh, maybe a new pair of shoes...

There have been a sort of tention here in my house...the biggest and most obvious one right now is the one between me and my sister-in-law...I declaired war...Enough is Enough. Cause the misses doesn't have the right to bitch at me infront of everyone about me not being able to sleep at my brother's house when I needed to sleep there. It's my brother's house as much as it's hers, so I kinda have the right to sleep there a night or two. Hell, after what happened, I'd rather sleep on a side walk on a cold winter night than to crawl to her doorstep.

What's amazing is that she claims that she feels guilty about it and wants to make it up to me somehow...but only because she wants to get rid of the feeling of being guilty. She doesn't even come to talk to me, so I started the riot. I kept bitching at her this time, I didn't yell but I was angry, and all she could do was nod and say 'Okay' while feeding the baby....Let's see what goes on from here, Rasha.

This old friend of mine....we used to be really close...best friends...but recently...well. a bit longer than "recently", we started drifting apart because of something stupid. A fight that didn't even start between us, got us apart. And when the time comes to forget all that shit and start talking like we used to before, she goes on and stabs me in the back again.

Whenever I call (yes, I still call her from time to time), She'd go on cussing at me and blaming me for not calling her or asking about her, when she's really doing the same thing to me, at least I'm calling from time to time, if she really have cared, she'd keep calling me, then bitch at me about not calling.

At times when she's in the city, she pretends that she wants to go out with me but really she doesn't, so she developed this stratigy. She'd go to a place, and then at night she'd call me and tells me to come to where she is..at a time where I'm probably busy doing something else. Then blames me for not agreeing to see her, claiming that whenever she calls, I decline...I mean honestly...I'm obviously pissed about it, that's why I'm typing it right now. Cause I know not many will see this, so it's best to get it out of me now.

Good news is : Hala got her internet connection steady...so that's a yay. She's loving Jordan, surprisingly...But I'm happy for her....though she is starting school in 8 days...sucks for her, huh?

How many nights on a couch does it take to fuck up your spine?

Confrontation and Slip-Aways

2007-07-23T14:57:00.000+04:00

Confrontation is basically my way of dealing with things. I don't like to take turns and detours, I just try to face everything head on. And it seems like I've been on this "Confrontation" roll lately. Although it had got me into major conflicts and probably made me lose a couple of friends, but I'm just a straight-to-the-point person.

I've been a little sick and week for a few days...it wasn't really laziness after all...I looked like I've been to hell and back again. But I guess I got a little better now...though I still feel hot most of the time.

There was this band that really caught my attention only because they were looking for a vocalist. They were around my age and in the same city I'm in...I contacted the drummer, he's a nice guy..we've been talking a bit, I also met the guitarist, but I figured that I won't be joining after all cause what I want seems different from what they want....though the guitarist is trying to persuade me still...but I just have to decline....I gotta focus on my studies next year, so I won't have much time for the band anyways.

That self confidence that I've seemed to gain for the past weeks, is sorta fading away once again. I don't know what it is, but..it's like, I wanna be exposed, but at the same time, I don't. And after all that I've been through this summer, I still feel like I'm not doing what I should be doing....what the hell is missing? goddammit.

I think have grown up in the wrong way...I wasn't a bad kid, but I wasn't a good one either...I managed to stay out of trouble, but didn't really stay on the safe side either....I'm just a product of something that went totally wrong...and I guess what I'm trying to do right now, is fix it..though I know it's too late, but it's the only thing that I could hang on to, or else, I would be totally lost, with no purpose and basically no identity.

I'm glad I actually have this blog. It's been like a year now since I've got it....I havn't really had a place where I would just talk to myself like this....I'm not trying to tell people something...I'm just an alter ego right now...cause then, the other me would look back at this, and try to figure me out more. No, I don't have a split personality...I just can't talk to anyone like this, not even the people who are the closest, who mean the most. But I guess everything's just slipping away now....I'll let myself figure out what I mean.

though I usually feel hot lately, today I feel extremely cold...

Something New

2007-07-14T11:27:00.000+04:00

A new image for this supposedly new me. though it's only a haircut and a few pounds lost.

So anyways, what could've happened to me in these 2 weeks without a single update? let me fill you in :

Doctor sessions have been going smooth...what I noticed that doctors only tell you what you want to hear, then again, this might be the exact thing a patient needs...but I guess I'm not taking it as serious, am I? well...today's my last session, let's see how it goes.

It's been a long time since I've really hung out with friends...these days, I'm all focused on trying new things, meeting new people, doing stuff I don't regularly do...I don't know what's gotten into me...I guess it's really affecting me now...this whole change thing...but I try not to think about it so much...no point in fighting it, no point in focusing on it either...I'm just letting it flow through me to see where it's taking me. I don't care if it's screwing me up or fixing me...as long as something is happening, it's good.

I saw the Transformers movie last night. I am well prepared to pay money to watch it again. That's how good it was. The graphics and animations were a killer. You know that phrase 'there's a kid living inside of every one?' well...my inner kid got out that time...When all the 'good guys' began grouping and transformed into the autobots for the first time, I had the biggest smile on my face...After the movie, I started pointing out cars in the parking lot that could pass for a transformer. ~laughs~ I think that there's a possible sequel to the movie...but we all know that part 2 of every movie is sort of a step down from the first part.

I've always felt something about myself...but I only realised it recently...among the people I hang out with in my everyday...I'm the one odd one out of all. I stand out from the group...which could be a good and a bad thing...When I'm with a bunch of couples, I'm the only single one. With I'm with a bunch of girl I know, I'm the only one who goes to a public school. Among my friends, I'm the loud messed up girl with issues ~laughs~. Among my family, I'm the young member who doesn't see things clear yet. In my class, I'm the only *Americanized* awkward weird girl...Which really doesn't let me belong to any of them, but force myself to fit in...I don't know why I'm talking about it, but I want to....I'm a complicated bitch, I know...but..that's the way I am...I guess there isn't much complicated bitches around for me to fit in with them, huh? lol

this might sound offensive to the people who care about me. Believe me, I care about you too, I'm not denying what everyone has done for me, but sometimes, this just happens...I can't help the things I felt even before I met any of you...I guess somethings are bound to never change.

I'm gonna shut up about my ramblings now....and I'll see you soon.

Departure

2007-07-01T12:06:00.000+04:00

So...It's July the 1st. A month has passed already, I can't help but to look back at what happened during the past month of my summer. The picture you guys are looked at is me with 2 of my closest friends, I believe you have met Joe and Hala before. I just felt obligated to put this particular picture in this particular post.

The song you're all listening to is 'Famous Last Words' by 'My Chemical Romance'. I'm not a big fan of them, but this particular band and song was what Hala was known for here. These past few days I spent away from home, was spent with these 2 people, mostly. cause it was our last chance for the 3 of us to be together, and now that she's not here, it's kinda weird, knowing that she's not right next door anymore. Hala, if you're reading this, you know what I'm trying to say.

Oscar, the cat, has been taken to Joe's. I would have taken him in myself, except everyone here started bitching about the baby. But I'm here for any advice Joe might have about him. Everything I wanted to say has been said already, so no need to repeate myself. Good luck in Jordan, Hala.

And now, for the other half of the post :

Things at home are confusing, as usual. But I guess you could say that I came up with a new resolution for myself. No use of being the only one depressed all the time, it'll eventually affect my life in all aspect, and my health. Let's just hope that I get to keep that resolution.

On other note, Guess what people. I just found out that Oblivion Dust is back! yes, FAKE?'s Ken Lloyd's former band is back for 2 concerts in september, not sure if this will lead to any new material, but I'm excited about that. O.D could really kick some musical ass. so..yeah, that's good news.

My life's at a turning point right now...to me, it's like the summer of seperating a kid from an adult. And it's turning out to be the worst, to be frank. But it had to come someday, the change, the departures, the seperations and the goodbyes. They all had to come someday. But I'm just bitching right now.

Let's just see how this months gonna turn out...any departures and changes, anyone?

Update

2007-06-28T00:12:00.000+04:00

Almost a week after that little angry post I did...and I can't say I feel any different...though now, I'm more calm.

What's the news on me? well...I'm planning to make this a short post as well, so I'm gonna update in point mode :

Trying not to mess out of Yoga and dance classes...also swimming every now and then
Spending as much time with Hala before she goes to Jordan on Saturday *will update then as well*
Lacking in sleep and appitite and is starting to show on my face, not that anyone cares.
Getting a little too emotional lately...dunno if it's teenage hormones or something gone all wrong....I'll find out soon enough.
Detaching myself from certain stuff *not about to talk about it anytime soon*

and I wonder what's gonna happen in 2 years.

Untitled

2007-06-22T15:49:00.000+04:00

Things don't really wanna go my way, do they? I end up the one in the wrong, the stupid kid who couldn't do what she meant to do. But I guess no one knows me well enough to know that I'd never think that way.

From this point on, I'm stopping in my tracks. Don't expect me to come to you, cause I won't. Not anymore.

Work of the Devil

2007-06-17T09:59:00.000+04:00

I should've updated a few days ago, but I just didn't have the time to do so.
I got my grades on the 14th, and I'm finally relieved. With all the screw ups I made on the term and the finals, I expected to get an average around 80s or so, but I proved that I could still get a 93% without sleeping with the principle or suckin up to the teachers.

Someone has made their personal mission this summer...to turn me into a *and get this* girl.
We're talking all the way, clothes, make-up, hair, body...everything. I'm taking up stuff I never even thought about...but I know this : I'll be doing a lot of Yoga and dancing...the summer colors knowledge gotta come in hand a lot now <.< let's just see when this phase's gonna end.

In my free time, I spent some of it researching about my condition, and I noticed something : that people with my disability were considered a work of the devil...see, this makes much sense now, cause I'm the devil girl, the next best candidate to becoming Satan! ain't that right, Hala?

Last night I went to my good friend 'Suhad''s graduation party. We were always together in kinder garden. We were in the same class, in the same building, and on the same floor, but I got held back in first grade, and she kept going. That's why she's graduating before I do. I havn't seen her in forever, due to the fact that she moved to a place far away. I can't go to her place as often as before, so we kinda lost touch for a while, but I got to see how much she has changed over the years. The skinny little friend of mine grew up, I actually didn't recognize her in the beginning, neither her sister 'Hadeel', They grew up to be gorgeous young ladies. It was a fun party. The children loved me *laughed*, cause I was the only person who'd give them a face and actually talk to them. I'll post a picture when I get my camera back.

This summer won't be one of my best, but I guess it's gonna be interesting...despite the pressure I'm getting...Let's see when this phase is going to end...I'll talk about it more if it gets more severe.

Peace.

Joe, Hala and I

2007-06-10T00:01:00.000+04:00

So, people. I've got a special treat today.

Joe, Hala and I decided to shoot a video, to make some memories before Hala leaves to Jordan.
The 01:43:32 video has been reduced to a mere 4 minutes, for me to be able to share a part of it on my humble little space here.

It starts off as if we're just staring into the blue. We were just watching T.V in the back, trying to comprehend what we just saw. I'm in the middle...Joe's the one with curly hair next to me. and Hala's the one with the glasses on the other side.

My hair looked a little weird that day, and I was practically high. but I promised I'd put it here...ask me if you need any translations or something. And I'll see you next time.

Beginning of Summer

2007-06-05T17:55:00.000+04:00

So old Journal...we meet again. I'm sorry for neglecting you for nearly a month now...I won't make any excuses for not updating you at all...I'll try my best to highlight my past month for you, and I'll try to be generous.

So! Finals came and went by so fast...I didn't really expect it to come and go like that. But I'm glad it's all over right now. I'd get to really clear my thoughts a bit and work to make what is about to come worth while.

The most difficult one of them for me was Chemistry, where it should've been easy. I'd just lose sight of what's required in the question and tend to complicate things even more...I went on with the questions writing some really unnecessary crap...that's a definite minus.

the thing everyone was really afraid of turned out to be okay actually...though, 10 pages of math + 3 hours could really fuck your brain and drive a science student homicidal.

And that pretty much concludes my finals days as a high school sophomore...Senior year is about to come. I wonder how would that turn out...I'm afraid, actually...cause this is it, this is why I've been attending school and getting prepared for. Everything up till now it's just a prep course for this Senior year...The slightest mistake might really change my future like that...I lie to myself and say that I'll work on getting a scholarship...but I need to find my long-lost motivation fast...

Lately, I've been listening to 90's rock...the good ol' times. Where Garbage rocked, Smashing Pumpkins kicked ass, and Oasis blew my ears away when I was going back and forth between cities.I think of how many time I listen to those songs..I could never get tired of it. In a period of time where I was a mere 6 or 7 , with no word of English in mind...Whenever I'd see that one music video on T.V, I'd neglect everything that was in my hands and just stare at what's in front of me. The style is just Timeless to me. It never gets old, and it never will. And I'd tell myself that I'm gonna make that kind of music when the time's right. Timeless...

I've been put in a situation, where I actually liked the way I handled it. I didn't know I was able to keep my cool in a such a position. But in return, A huge responsibility has been put on my shoulders. I just got to prove that I could go through with it and I'm not such a dumb kid after all. It's hard to be the bigger person when you are the smallest.

I don't understand this. I don't understand why I just sit alone in a room on a chair, thinking about a certain thing...and I realise that I shouldn't be thinking about it, When I know that it's wrong to think about it, When I know that it's not gonna happen, When I know I can't associate it with everything....It is becoming an addiction, I think...an addiction I wanna get rid of, and at the same time, I don't...confusing, isn't it? I don't like myself speaking in puzzles either...then again, all I do is talk in bits and pieces. I have to figure out a way to put them together before it's just too late.

To conclude my thoughts for today, Here's my first recording in over 6 months...Maybe I did it to celebrate the beginning of my summer...Maybe I did it to impress a certain someone...who knows?

I'll see you around, ne?

Push It

Take me out, please.

2007-05-14T01:29:00.000+04:00

So, it's the last day of school...Stopped going to school to gain knowledge, to return to it 10 days later to be examined in that...freakin Yay <.<. Though, the annual ritual of the cry-and-hug didn't really appear this year..how unusual. I'm glad it didn't happen, cause it'll be pointless, cause we're seeing eachother next year, no matter how we try, we're even gonna stay in the same class, same classmates, same everything....not so sure about teachers though...The only thing I hope is different, is for everyone to take us more seriously...being the last year for us and all...

Our last day was supposed to be last Thursday, but my physics teacher made us come anyways to take a fuckin exam (Note: that we took an exam last Sunday, and she gave us one the following Sunday, which it today), then she just couldn't multiply the previous exam by 2 for some reason, and made us take that one. then she threw a bitch fit for no reason. Blaming us for being science students? please. save it for the arts. I think we'd be more focused on the exam than to do a stupid prank.

College came up again...Hanan wants to be with me, same college, same major..to make up for all the years we failed to end up in the same class...but it's gonna be hard..cause I can only get into private colleges, since I'm no Emirates citizen...so, she has to be willing to go to another city, assuming that I'm studying here, not abroad...

I've started my sessions at the hospital, and I gotta tell ya...my doctor is depressing..I do not like that guy, not a bit...but I guess I don't really have a choice, do I? Let me just use him for now, and see where this is going..but..I don't know, I got a bad feeling.

So, summer's coming up...A little excited and not excited at the same time..summer's not really my season, I'm more of Winter...but ehh..
I wonder what my 17th summer has to offer...Maybe that one summer night memory everyone's been talking about? or just a break? I'll just let the universe decide.

......I'm 160cm tall, by the way.

THE Scedual

2007-05-07T22:42:00.000+04:00

Wed. 23/05/2007 : Physics -- 8:30 - 11:00
Thu. 24/05/2007 : Arabic (1st Session) -- 8:30 - 10:30
Arabic (2nd Session) -- 11:00 - 1:00
Sun. 27/05/2007 : Math -- 8:30 - 11:30
Mon. 28/05/2007 : Islamic Education -- 8:30 - 10:30
Tues. 29/05/2007 : Chemistry -- 8:30 - 10:30
Wed. 30/05/2007 : Geology -- 8:30 - 10:00
Thu. 31/05/2007 : English -- 8:39 - 11:00
Sun. 03/06/2007 : Biology -- 8:30 - 10:30

I can't complain much about it. My only complaint would be that they shouldn't put Biology as the last day...but I guess it works out since it needs plenty of studying, and there's a weekend before it so...

At school, I worked to empty my desk and erase everything that's written on it...over the years I've written some pretty twisted stuff, I admit....I came across some lines that I didn't seem to remember writing...

"It happens...a lot..." I stopped before erasing this, trying to remember what made me write it...the only thing that comes into mind is the same thing that's been bothering me lately...has it been bothering me this much, that I didn't even realize it till now? I'm not really sure. but anyways...I just forgot about it and erased it...hoping it'd not leave a mark on the desk nor myself.

But overall, I'm smiling...smiling there are people that care about me. That take the time to ask about my day, how my exam went, how I'm feeling today, and cheer me on. I'm glad I know you guy. Stay by my side, and I'll give you the world.

[P.S] once my Internet decides to be nice for me, I'll change the song into something that made me feel better every morning before school.

A Time of Confusion.

2007-05-01T23:15:00.000+04:00

These past few days were filled with running emotions. Something that never really bothered me before has started to affect me greatly, in every aspect of my life, to the point where it became all I think about these days.

When I do think about it, sadness takes over me...anger...anxiety, envy...mixed feeling all together. I don't know if it's depression or it's just a phase where my hormones are acting up like a fuckin school girl with a skinned knee. Whatever the hell it is, I've got to find a way to stop it...stop these crying episodes...get rid of the problem once and for all....

I looked around me for some comfort, to take away this uneasy feeling, or a shoulder to cry on. But I'm all alone...I'm all alone in this, No one would help me, even if they could. cause I'm the only one who has to help me. But haven't I been trying all my life? Haven't I tried and tried so hard to seem normal? At least I thought I was...Till it finally hit me that all I've been doing, is being a fake. Pretending to be normal is getting really old, tiring, and stressful.

I'm just really confused right now about my place...like...really...I'm basically trying to isolate myself even more, turning myself from human to shadow. Hoping no one would notice me anymore. Locking myself up in my room, do my daily task of studying, and have an episode or two where I just cry for no reason. It has never been like this.

Am I really smart? Am I really?

Pass the Wiimote, please.

2007-04-27T23:43:00.000+04:00

So, boys and girls.

Yours truly has gotten her hands on a Nintendo Wii. It was actually a request from my brother. He said it's for both of us, but I know that's not true, he'll take it in a few days and take over it, just like the PSP, just like the PS2...I've gotten used to it...I'll be able to enjoy it for a few days, in the least.

After I got the thing, I went straight to Sara's place, Joe and Hala were there...we all sat, but I was the only one playing...no one wanted to try it...well...except for Sara, but she always threw the remote away when she couldn't do something...so....yeah. If anyone wants to challenge me, bring it on, I kick ass in tennis like a goddamn mother fucker! ( =_= ignore that). Dana kept her new kitten company, Hala and Joe had to go home early, and Sara was drooling over Dir En Grey's Kyo like there's no tomorrow (she actually thinks she had sex with him <.<), so Rama kept me company while I was playing....I should get the wii with me next time I'm there, I should let Rama and Dana play.

I don't think I'll be going to school on Sunday...not after the incident that happened on Thursday...that really affected me for some reason, though it really shouldn't, it's always been like this, so why is it any different now?...At least I'd like to wait till my doctor's appointment on Sunday...see if I can be cured of what I like to call 'Curse'. cause seriously, it is...

Sometimes, not speaking is way better than speaking in bits and pieces, I wish I knew the reason why it happens, cause I'd face it, head on...I should just..not talk much, I'm a private person, and that's what I should do. I'd lose the ability to express myself, but there are many ways I can do it...through art, music, even writing...but...after 17 years of being 'cursed', one gets fed up, don't you think?

Report Card Day.

2007-04-24T21:31:00.000+04:00

so, Ladies and gents, what I have in my hands hands is what everyone calls 'A Ticked to Hell'. and I will let you in on the crap I've been doing this last semester :

.:.Islamics : 89/100 (I swear, this thing never changes, it's the same grade I've got since the beginning of the year.).:.
.:.Arabic : 181/200 (...Okay, I think I deserve this one, I've never been good in it <.<..Sorry Mom.).:.
.:.English : 99/100 (That bitch took away that one mark! I didn't do a thing! I got all full marks and I participate in class!).:.
.:.Math : 284/300 (I actually thought I was getting less...I did better than last semester, though.).:.
.:.Physics : 184/200 (She hates me, I swear to god =_=).:.
.:.Chemistry : 91/100 (And I thought I did better....oh well.).:.
.:.Biology : 90/100 (hm......I should be satisfied.).:.
.:.Geology : 48/50 (yeah, I expected this one...though she hates me too.).:.

Yup..that's it...I feel like I would've done better...but I just lack the motivation, as I always say and complain like a broken record. then again, I should only blame myself for the 93% score, though it isn't bad, I should aspire for more....let's just see what finals are gonna be like.

The little run and his mom went to Sharjah today...that's one month of no whining and complaining and no baby gossip. I should try to relax right now...says the paranoiac who's caffeine addiction led her to freaky sleeping patterns and left her itching for gum every 5 minutes, lol.

and now, I'm off to kick some visual basic ass.

One of those days where I can't just relax.

2007-04-19T20:57:00.000+04:00

Less sleep, barely stay focused and my eating is getting messed up....well...I'm not complaining about the eating thing, I did lose weight...which is something needed. But my face looks tired, and my eyes have sunken in their pockets. Like I need any blackness under my eyes.

Something weird happened today...I was coming back home from school, and I see this family getting into the elevator with me, I offered to press the button for them....then they made small talk.....You know how awkward I got? I got weird, I talked in really short sentences, and I kinda stuttered....this proves it, I'm really anti-social. I have a problem dealing with people, I think... I lack communication and social skills. That is why I'm so isolated.

I wanna get excited...motivate and be motivated. I lack something to wake up for in the morning. School doesn't even matter anymore. I need to find me an addiction. Someone to take my mind off of things, to keep me away from myself, cause when I'm with myself, I think, and when I think, I get depressed, and when I get depressed....its' not pretty.

School's ending in a few weeks, I shouldn't be thinking about this right now, but I am. College is what I aim for, but every day, a part of this aspiration fades. With the pace I'm walking, with the way I'm thinking, with a dad like mine, and with a major like that in mind, there's no way I'm going abroad...I'm confused, I don't even know what I wanna study anymore...I'm confused about everything, I don't know what's important and what's not.

Someone who meant a lot to me in the past, has appeared again....but...the funny thing is, I didn't even bother to take the time and say hi....it's funny...sometimes, I wouldn't sleep for that person, stay up all night waiting for them just to talk for a few minutes. ..yeah, that's how much they meant to me...but not anymore...I guess I have changed, and my priorities with them...I wonder if that person's the same...well, I guess it doesn't really matter.

Just suck it up, Maha, will you? You're acting like a kid and you're depressing who's around you!

Baby.Fever

2007-04-13T11:51:00.000+04:00

The little runt you're all looking at is my new-born nephew. I, at least, felt the obligation to welcome baby 'Omar' to the world.

I still didn't see him yet, but I will...maybe today or something..to be honest, I'm a little discouraged. Cause this kid's been causing me trouble ever since he got here... not that the trouble wasn't there when he we still 'in'.

for some reason, I'm at a point where every thing's turning against me...to the point where I just don't sit in the house anymore and sneak out of the house when it's unbearable...I actually did that...last week...I ran away from home for a day, lol. Immature, I know, but I was trying to prove my unheard point. but uh...when everyone's turning like that against you at once...it kinda makes you wonder if it's you or them.

I actually didn't know about the baby till after I coincidently answered my dad's phone and my mom was like 'is your dad there? tell him Rasha had the baby'...and that is how I found out..I was actually the last to find out about the whole thing...Even my sister, who's in Sharjah (A City that is around 2 hours away from mine , minus the traffic jam) knew about it before I did... this kinda tells you that there's no need for you to know.

I don't know if I should not care about the whole thing, or just do what whatever the hell the want me to do, cause I'm really confused about what should be done and what should not.

I just can't get why they want me there , in the hospital anyways, according to them (and I have been told this before) my presence is just like my absence...so why bother go if they don't even want me there?

they made a big deal out of me not going to the hospital yesterday, which resulted in my bad mood when I was supposed to be having fun with my friends. Everyone likes being a prick, huh?
how am I supposed to go when there was no one to take me there, and not even bothering mentioning the name of the hospital? I shouldn't care about it..just do what I'm doing right now...cause I'm the only one who's burning blood for no fuckin reason, honestly.

I have a bad feeling about this......Let's just hope for the best...

2007-04-08T22:41:00.000+04:00

A little something of me, a bit too into my guitar. This picture has been taken a few weeks ago, when I had my 'mini-performance'. Of course, it was full of poses, but this one's real.

Yesterday I was over at Sara's place...I went over there to make her brand new guitar 'work', I just don't understand why the girl would buy a guitar without even knowing how to play it. Well, I guess she will now.

Anyways, we started discussing our future plans and college and stuff...we agreed that, if I end up going to college here, we're gonna be roommates...it's all fine by me...If I stay here after graduation.

To be honest, I don't know where I wanna go anymore...reasons for me traveling are decreasing...but there are some solid reason that still hang on to that wall. I want to travel, I want to meet people, I want to do the stuff I wasn't able to do here...but it all seems all like a selfish act of me, with so much 'I's in my speech...

then again, I've always been selfish...I don't know if this makes it any different or not...but whenever I think about the subject, I always tell myself that it's too early for that kinda thinking...but it's not, I know it's not...I'm in denial, I'm still thinking I'm this little kid, but I'm not all grown up either, so it's a pretty shitty place right now...it really makes you think about yourself, your strengths, weaknesses, abilities, disabilities, hopes and dreams, what you want to do and what you need to do...

I think that, one of my abilities is that I leave a good impression and get inside the heart, for the first while at least...but then comes a disability...I'm unable to stay there. I haven't met any new people and I'm driving the close ones that are already there, away...I don't have the ability to turn some one's insides out, to make someone think of my name or the stuff I said before going to bed or waking up in the morning...pretty sad isn't it? I can't say I'm alone, but I'm definitely lonely.

But let's look on the bright side, I'm a private person by nature. I kinda like people to respect my over-privacy. You have to dig your way in to breach this little shell I've created for myself. But it's good over all if you don't. If you're there in times I need you and show it, then I'll be fine. if it's not too much to ask..

I won't get myself back together from this whole I've fallen into till I learn how to trust myself and get back my trust in others...till that time, as Sara might put it, Let's all hide behind the big red curtain.

2007-04-06T23:10:00.000+04:00

Ossu! How's everyone doing?

Weekend's going by silently...boring actually, but isn't that how it's supposed to be? to relax a bit and drip out all the stress compiled throughout the week? at least that's how it's supposed to me for me, since the science students never have a break much...

Thursday, I went to this book fair thing that was held...my school took me and a bunch of selected girls there...I don't know why, but I skipped a day of studying and went book shopping...in those 2 hours I stayed, I came out with 3 books :

-- 'Never Go Back' by Robert Goddard
-- 'Dance Dance Dance' by Haruki Murakami
-- 'The Arabian Nights', translated by Husain Haddawy

though, I can't read any of them yet till I finish 'Kafka on The Shore'...so much work and it's not letting me finish the damn book...and this is a book I started reading in December...I suck, dude...though I'm kinda excited about reading 'The Arabian Nights'...all my life I've been hearing so much about the stories..and whenever I tell anyone that I bought that book, they're like 'Why? they're One Thousand and One Nights...don't you already know what it's about?!'...well, now I will...

So! The T-N : Battle of the online bands has officially ended...well..not officially, I still have to announce the whole thing, but I need to do some stuff before...to finally get some closure on the thing...let's just hope it ends fast...and Congratulations to 'White Claudia' for winning ad proving you guys are the better band. I'd also like to thank 'Maki Roll' for putting up a hell of a fight, 'Social Graduates' for an awesome effort, and '1337band' for lightening up the mood and reminding us to do our thing all the time. This thing wouldn't have worked out without you guys.

Though I'm kinda disappointed about the way it ended...I thought all the bands took it seriously and were sticking to the rules and everything was smooth....so you'd get a little upset when one reaches the deadline without hearing a word from the other band even after the extension of the deadline....this made me lose all motivation to do any more work...

Today I went and did a little shopping...god knows I need some new clothes...didn't spend much time, but I ended up with 2 outfits...you'd get a bit blinded by all the flashy summer colors that every shop displays...we're talking hot pink, freakishly lime yellow, deep orange.....yeah, summer colors......I bought the orange one.

I think the school is taking credit of my biology project...cause before I went to the book fair, I saw them loading a truck with a bunch of projects, and mine was one of them, I'm like 'Where are they taking those?', a girl told me that they're taking it to the educational zone, cause they're gonna be in a contest sort of thing between schools....and no one told me that my projects been taken...I don't even know if my name's on it or not...well, I'll check about that later.

and I'm gonna end it here now...
peace.

2007-03-29T18:09:00.000+04:00

Too much Kiwi/Lime juice could really get to you...

for the past while, I've been working on fixing my piece of junk of a computer, recently it started acting up, and by 'acting up', I mean PMSing, shutting down by itself, crashing for no reason, kinda thing....so, what I did was take it all apart in attempt to try and do something about it...changing the RAM was not the issue, everything was in place, and the CD/DVD drive certainly wasn't the problem (every time I put something in that drive, the computer crashes without any intention of turning on again)..In the end, I ended up putting it on the side, and stole a laptop...

that's right! I get the laptop, and you get to play 'God of War II' with the PS2 you were supposed to bring back last year. That was the deal!

In other news, I'm expected to be an Aunt any day now...her due date's supposed to be..next week maybe? anyways...yeah, finally we can get this over with and start phase 2 of the whole thing.....should I be happy? it took me almost 8 months to get used to her being around...but now, just when I learnt how to deal with things, it's getting worse....I know, this is not a good sign...

In my life, I've gotten used to the fact that I'm not taken seriously around here cause I'm the youngest...which really makes me feel weird if I am taken seriously. The kinda attention I always got was either the ones you give kids to make them shut up, or as limited attention you could ask for only in certain times....which led me to realize something:

I'm not really good with attention...showing me that I am of importance...cause this leads me to want to act selfish...cause If you tell me I'm important...I either wanna be something irreplaceable...or not be important at all....guess I'm an all-or-nothing kinda person...

Maybe I'm just getting bored..without any free times for myself. but gaining and losing attention is not something I like...I slowly lose motivation with it...which really makes me feel worthless...if I'm not motivated, what will I be able to do?

My grades are slipping, but frankly, I don't care...I don't care about my final score, and I don't care if I got a scolarship or not...something in me tells me that either way, I'm ending up in the university they're making me attend...weren't they the ones that said that I won't be going to a private school if I want to go to the college I want? the college I pick?

the thought of my future being decided like that...makes me sad, really...okay, I go to the best college HERE, I study something they approve of, and graduate, then what? stay stuck here and return to this seat once again? it bums me out to this that this is my life...I am selfish, arn't I?

School out in almost 2 months...weather's changing and my nose starts to bleed once again.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll go take out whatever memories I have from that computer to send it away to an unknown fate.

2007-03-17T20:28:00.000+04:00

It was like watching myself from 3rd-person view...I was in this foreign place to me...never been to it in my life...sort of like a park that's facing an ocean..surrounded by a decorated fence. We were 5 people...it was pitch black, you can only see faint shadows for our only source of light was this faint moonlight that made the objects slightly glow. Some girl comes out of a place I assumed to be a shop, drags one of 4 people with me and goes back inside, we didn't mind, we actually smiled as if we were waiting for it.

We were all standing, facing one side, speaking in light whispers. Then I notice that behind us, this guy wearing what seems to be a coat walks into the scene, everyone was giving him their backs except me, I was facing the other side. I couldn't really make out what he looked like or what was he wearing, but from the faint shadows, I've seen that he was holding a gun up to his face...sort of like, he was looking at it while walking to the ocean that was there...without saying a word, I take one of the 3 remaining people by the hand and start walking away slowly...and they didn't notice what was going on, but they just kept on talking in whispers...so, they see us walking, and they followed.. we come near a corner, we're about to turn at the corner but everything changes.

This time, It's only me, and we shift to 1st-person view... I hear a guy's scream...I figured it was the guy with the gun's voice. I guess I was just running looking for a place to hide. I came across a familiar room, I just got in through the door, but left it open, cause I figured that it would let out a sound if I closed the door....it was an empty room, so I had no choice but to hide behind the door...there was silence for a moment, but as I was going to the other side of the door, it made a creak sound...I was sure that the guy had heard me, he actually did, cause I heard him running, yelling like maniac. I was scared...I just closed my eyes and imagined that any minute now, the door is gonna be filled with bullet holes....

Next time I opened my eyes, I was facing my usual everyday window...lying on my bed...recalling what just happened, searching for the line that separates reality from fantasy.

Would that be a nightmare?

2007-03-02T00:17:00.000+04:00

Anybody got an extra ticket for the "Russell Peters" show in Dubai? I'd appreciate it if you'd sell it to me...
Still cannot fuckin believe all 1400 tickets for sold out in 40 minutes...

anyways,

To prove that our school seriously have no respect for us students, the following has happened today:

around 3rd period, I was in class taking my chemistry exam (if you're wondering about that, I did great in it, it was easy). It was so easy, that all of us handed in the papers and we still got time to spare, so What I did was, take out a book and start reading stuff. Then the supervisor barges into our classroom and says firmly "Everyone, to the back"

Of course, no one knows that the hell is going on, I just tie my hair and go to the back thinking what are they up to now. Then she goes over to my desk and grabs my bag...yeah, she grabs my bag and starts searching it...I just quirked my eyebrow and asked her 'what are you doin?', then she's like 'come over here'...I went over there to see what the hell is going on, and she asks me to empty my pockets...this is not fuckin prison...when she made sure that I didn't get anything I wasn't supposed to get, she went and did the same to the other girls.....

turns out, they did this 'inspection' to every fuckin class in the school, and things that are 'forbidden' are confiscated....They weren't done with just violating our space...A classmate of mine was wearing a black bra, and it apparently showed, and they actually said to her 'your bra's too dark'....okay, you're violating our privacy to that extent?

The thing is, we cannot do anything about it, they'll just blame it on us no matter what we do. cause after all, the priority goes to the teachers, not the students. I should transfer schools...I'm seriously thinking of doing that next year...Let next year come and I'll decide.

I'll be drowning in my little game of Hide and Seek till then.

2007-02-23T14:11:00.001+04:00

I don't really know what to say right now.
I don't know what I should be feeling right now.
cause being happy or sad doesn't really cut it now.
some thing's wrong with feeling that.

something funny happened last night. I was talking with a friend of mine, and she mentioned something that happened back in 2002...then she said 'whoa...2002...'...that made me really think that a long time has passed since now. And though I'm still young, I'm getting older by the minute, I can actually feel it.
I don't really feel like I'm living the way I should. The way a 17 year old should...a part of me still wishes I was 16.
and by the time I grow up, I'll look back and regret the way I'm living now, I'll tell myself that I've wasted my life, just like I wasted my own birthday this year....That's what I've been thinking ever since January.

I don't mean to be emo or dark or always sad or anything...but that's what's on my mind right now..after all, that's what this place's about. To unload the cargo and come back with more.

Can I change? How Can I? Where do I start? and Where is it leading? these are the questions I should be asking myself, Yet...I'm such a lazy person to do anything about it...I'm still wrapped up in the strings of what's around me, and in order for me to change that, I need to cut those strings one at a time.

If you ever need me, tell me so. If you do not need me, tell me so.
cause I'd like to know if I should stick around, or step back and walk away.

I'm a Celestial Delinquent come true.
A puppet of a cruel master.
Bleeding gold to paint over an empty grey.
Motionlessly on a silver platter.

the thing is, someday I'll run out of this golden blood...and I won't be able to paint over empty greys anymore...

2007-02-15T23:16:00.000+04:00

Valentine's Day, huh?

Valentine's don't mean much to me...since it's only meant to be spent with someone else, unfortunately, I don't have anyone till now so...you could see how this is a punch in the face of all singles, it's like everything around you on that day screams 'SUCK IT!'.....yeah.
What makes it worse is that you look around you and you see that everyone (and I mean Everyone!) has received something on that day...and (shockingly!) I didn't......eh... not even a single rose of that god damned 100 roses bouquet.

It's been a little hard on me these days to work with this broken arm of mine...it's not broken, but it hurts like a bitch still....I mean it's better than before, but it's still pretty bad...I should have taken the car's number before it hit me....I was stupid to let him go...
Sometimes I think I'm a little too nice for my own good.....it's true, isn't it?

Another thing that bums me out is that my class field trip got canceled....sure it was stupid and lame and all, but the concept itself is what's important...cause we, the science students, need a little break from all the work we do, believe me. Today was the field trip for classes S-1 and S-2......S-3 and S-4 are supposed to go that indoor ice skating trip on Sunday...but as a girl in my class said "one's mistake effects the whole group"....around 6Th period, some girl in my class got caught fiddling with her cell phone in the middle of class (cell phones are not allowed in my school) So we got a lecture about it. In the end, we were stripped from our right to that field trip....smart, huh?

Last, I'd like to tell myself that...I'm letting go of something I've been holding on to for sometime now....well...It wasn't really mine to begin with , but I guess I kinda realized that now. And I have to let go now cause at any other time, It'll be harder on me. It did make me a bit stronger...more confident...but..I wasn't supposed to 'Trust'.....'Trust' really isn't my thing.
So I'm saying goodbye now...

Say Goodbye...

2007-02-07T22:41:00.000+04:00

So...To satisfy your annoying need, here you go, Mira....Fuckin' Rock'n Roll, huh?

so, Ladies and Gents...Apparently I'm still alive and kicking, as you see.
got a new haircut for the new semester...isn't that classic? I can say it's shorter than before...
And you're looking at a girl who refused to cut her hair for 5 years till last June...

So, The T-N : Battle of The Online Bands is on it's way...one more day and the door closes...and so begins my job as the organizer...gotta upload the entries, decide on a format for the official thread, work on the prizes and stuff.....work work work....Not to mention the overwhelming schoolwork and the heart-wrecking coughs I still suffer from... (I was sick for like 2 weeks or less...I would've coughed my heart out.)

And so I go back to my life-less lifestyle (whatever that is) filled with words, notes and strings.
Hoping I'd do a little better this semester than the last. and for it It be less hectic..but we all know that isn't gonna happen now, is it?

I should sing something..............

2007-01-27T13:27:00.000+04:00

Everyone, say Hello to my new friend Mr. Strat. and his little trusty sidekick, Mr. Amp.

Yeah...Little Jade's got a new toy to play with.

So, a few days after my birthday, and a lot of thinking...I've come to a conclusion that I can't be depressed all the time...what good would it do me? so for now, I have to accept the way I am while trying to change the stuff that I can.

If the problem's in me, I'll fix it. If it's in anything else, I'll try to change it, if I can't, I'll just learn to cope with it...for now...

So, If anyone has a problem with me, face me with it, I'll decide if the problem's in me or in you.
If there's something between us that happened in the past and it's been resolved, grow up and move on.
If you're pissed at something and you need someone to blame, get the hell away from me.
I don't wanna be messed with anymore.

With that said -- I move on...

I have a new respect for guitarists.. I really do...they make it seem so easy...
But overall, it's really fun...I really enjoy playing it..might I say that this is the best birthday gift I've ever received.
I'll just have to practice practice practice to be playing 'well'...even with a burnt finger due to my never-ending feud with the kitchen...

I'll get you, Microwave.....You just enjoy your 'heat' thing for now...

2007-01-21T23:07:00.000+04:00

Seventeen, huh?

Seventeen years....Seventeen years and I'm still locked up inside this 'shell' of mine...

All these years I've grown up to become what I am right now...I didn't want to end up this way but somehow I did...
They say that the problem's in me, I say the problem is what's around me...they say that I'm the bigger part of the problem...and I stay quiet....
What have I done to be the person I am today? A person who doesn't know how to have fun, apparently...
I'm not that bad of a person...I admit that I have a little trouble dealing with things...But...is it that bad?
Is my way of dealing with what's around me that bad?

These years I'm living in...I call them the 'Numb' years...cause I know I'm not doing much in them...Hopefully I can break the seventeen year record this year.

Everyone who thought of me today, I'd like to thank you very much for taking the time and wish me a happy birthday, you're the ones who made my day today.

signing off into my first day as a 17 year old.

[Edit]

......................................................

What the hell is happening? Why do I come off being stupid to anyone? Why do I end up being fucking used then getting blamed for the slightest thing?
Seriously, am I that bad of a person?! Am I that weak and reckless?
I'm fucking tired of everything around me, just fucking tired.
Fucking tired of hearing that I'm a fucking disappointment. Fucking tired of being described as unable to handle responsibility. Fucking tired of being stabbed in the back.

Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck!!

I just started to cheer up. Do not fucking bring me down again/

2007-01-15T22:46:00.000+04:00

What have I been doing these past few days since my break started??
Nothing useful for myself or anyone if that matters...except going around for a dress to wear at a friend's brother's wedding which is on the 18th..but other than that......yeah...
if anyone cares, I found a simple dress...actually looks like a prom dress..but it's good enough...and i got everything covered .... accessories, shoes, make-up, hair....everything covered...finally..

One thing that did happen...is that I realized that I became afraid of getting close to anyone...afraid of a close relationship with someone...cause every time I do that, I end up being stabbed in the back whenever I let my guard down....and that is exactly what happened to me a few days ago...

6 years of friendship gone to waste I guess.....

On another note, I've been working on organizing this T-N challenge thing...one of the original CORE members started a band of his own and challenged White Claudia, the T-N cover band.
and seeing that I'm not gonna be participating in it this time, i decided to make it official and organize the whole thing...I'm still working on the rules, but everything is pretty much set......almost......

Things I gotta watch out for from now on :

--Never get too close or put your complete trust in anyone for any reason, if it means being the loner that I am right now, so be it.
--Be more organized with your plans.
--Work on buying more formal clothes from now on.
--Get a fuckin life.

Yup...that's pretty much it...

Laters...

2007-01-11T12:26:00.000+04:00

So, what you see on your left were my tools of trade for the past 2 weeks.

few hours ago I came back from the last exam and I'm going to give you a brief description on how everything went on each day (yeah you're gonna read it weather you like it or not...shut up, read and enjoy the music) :

1. Physics : I did as expected, I did well, though I always hate everything that have Myu K in it (physical term...look it up.)
2. English : ....Do you really need to ask?
3. Math : Every science student in all of AD prayed that something bad would happen to whoever put this disaster of a final...that pretty much says it all.
4. Arabic lit. (2 sessions) : Session 1 was ...okay...though you really hate it when they get something that's totally unrelated to the topic and asks you to 'guess' the right answer...Sessions 2's essay was a work of art....I never realized I could have such a twisted imagination.
5. Geology : Being the nerd I am, I actually payed attention to the details while studying...that's the reason why I did so good in it.
6. Chemistry : One of my worst subjects...thank god it came easy...trust me, we needed 'Easy' at that point.
7. Islamic Studies : Apparently...my memorizing powers are at it's maximum when I'm sick and feeling like crap....weird...but it wasn't a joyful treat either.

and last but certainly not least,

8. Biology : Teachers love to screw around with us by getting stuff that's in between the lines..how the hell are we supposed to pay attention to that if the teachers didn't pay attention to it when teaching the thing?

so....yeah~ that was my life for 2 weeks...and it doesn't end hear, they said the results are a week from now...they just don't like to leave us alone, do they?

I'll be back in a few days with a more interesting entry, anyways, how y'all doin?

2007-01-03T22:56:00.000+04:00

This silly infection is spreading all over town
But somehow I seem to have survived it
Maybe it's cause I've lost my faith forever
Though it still haunts me
In the form of a golden dream
The oh-so-pretty golden dream
It makes me sing this broken tune
It keeps me satisfied
And you'll soon realize
That it's all just a lie
A lie like you
A lie like me
A lie like the rest
In the end, All lies become the reality everyone believes in
and that's how it is...

Break Day.

2007-01-02T13:52:00.000+04:00

2006 ended.
2007 started.

Will 2007 be any better than 2006, the worst year I've ever been through? Let me know.

8 days of stress and tension are starting in 24 hours. with one day off after the second day...which is so inconvenient...think I can handle it?

My 'fresh new start' still hasn't started yet.
When I feel like a fresh new start, you'll know, cause by then, I'll be a better person that I am right now.

and with that little post said, I open my eyes and walk to...

Day One.

2006-12-22T14:58:00.000+04:00

As mid-term knock on my door, I slowly feel the pressure of it, leaving me on a hault before opening the door.

While I notice other people are doing good in their lives...my life isn't as it's best right now...
it's either that my hormones are going insane righ now...or it's the environment I'm living in...casue I can't tell you how many times I wanted to cry these past days.....just so you know, I'm don't cry much...it's a phaze I guess, but some things still remain as they are no matter what phaze I'm going through...

It actually got to the point where I'm lying on a couch half dead and coughing my heart out, without anyone having the courtisy to even ask about what's wrong with me cause of that pregnant bitch we're sheltering....yeah, real nice being the youngest member who doesn't have a word in anything and is barely noticable, pushed on the side for someone, no, anyone who's not even worth it.

Whoever said 'Everything comes with a price' is a real prick...cause that made it actually true...
The Canada crap...shouldn't be too hard, no? ... So I've been given 2 choices according to my uncle:

-Go to Canada.......and study medicine.
-Stay here.....and study whatever I find suitable for me.

guess which one I'm picking...

2006-12-17T21:45:00.000+04:00

---Mom?
---Yeah?
---I got my report card today.
---Great! what's your percentage?
---92%.
---.............that's it?!
---............what?

Yeah, it went on from there...what? so now a 92% isn't enough?! at least it's better than the crappy 89.6% I got last year.

what really surprised me that almost 3/4 of my class got a % in the 90s too...never expected my class to be so smart...I have to admit, I fucked up a bit this term, but I know I'll do better in the next term since now, I'm a little used to everything. I can actually go through it while I actually understand what I'm doing...I think...

So anyways, I got school till the end of this week...not sure if I'm going next sunday or not, but that's the last day for us...I think, then it's a short break before Mid-Terms...

All this school and mid-term talk makes me think of college, which I'll be attending in a year and a half. My uncle says he wants to take me to Canada to live there with him, but when I do talk to him and my father about the subject and actually discuss what I want, they just nod and go on with me and even make fun of me., even when I point out that I'm serious....that led to me getting pissed off and not talk to both of them and saying that I don't want Canada... so....yeah, my fate's hanging on a thin red thread right now.

To be honest, I wanna go, I really do...I'm sick of being stuck here in this place ever since I was little...having only experienced only one culture, one mind-set...I have no idea what's out there...and I like to 'break the cycle' and do something that none of my family members did...and I do not wanna be locked up behind these walls anymore.

Everyone talks about how bad it is for a girl to study abroad...and how it's gonna be hard on her to be alone...but I won't be alone, I choose a place where i got family in for a reason, I know it'll be hard on me to be far away from my family but I know it's worth it.....

Signing off, The girl with the IQ of 110.

2006-12-11T22:33:00.000+04:00

At one time, I was a pianist....a great pianist...and I don't mean to brag...
Though I wasn't taught properly, I used to give it my all when I learn a piece, till I completely master it...even if I had picked it up by ear...which is what I used to do most of the time.
I knew how to read scores and sheet music...but never to play and look at the scores at the same time...it's one of the mistakes that caused my talent to vanishe.
I ask myself, should I do something about it? should I go back into piano, starting from scratch, and make a future of it? or maybe just...remember the feeling I used to have whenever I play that instrument...
Seeing that I cannot take that for a career...I have decided the following :

-During college, or maybe after college, I will get myself into a music acaedemy and be a student of the piano devision.

Of course, this won't change the fact that I'm going to form my band when I'm in college. Singing is another passion of mine...such as how the piano was for me at one point. It won't change the fact that I'm trying to play another instrument at the moment.
It's just that....I wanna make something of myself...something people would admire...something I would admire...is that possible?

Listening to Beethoven's Moonlight Sonana, thinking that at one time, I enjoyed playing this piece and won several compititions performing it...it's amazing how none of that stuck on...

2006-12-04T21:55:00.000+04:00

But you see, I'm the remains of some broken identity...
Just a mere shadow...Living under a shadow...
Expected to stay that way to eventually seize to be...
But i'm not some losing lottery ticket...
Full of hope and promise...
But in the end, a cheap letdown...
I won't allow it, I won't go down so dullfully...
For I'm gonna be some body's longed-for sweet sound...
Waiting for a time when I pick up the jigsaw pieces of me...
That's when you'll know me...My precious stranger...You just wait...

2006-12-01T01:26:00.000+04:00

Dear Jack :
sorry I can't do anything for you for your birthday today, the only thing I did was this little thing with my little humble stars, I hope you liked cause...it's the thought that counts, hon.
I had to do something or else I'd feel bad, after all, you're a precious friend of mine and you mean a lot to me.I know you'd do the same thing for me and even more...so I just wanted you to know that I thought about you today and I'm really thankful to have met you.

Jade

Edit :

Alright guys, It's finally here...let me introduce the band for you guys :

White Claudia ;

Vocalist: JADE
Bass + Moog: Yin Ng
Guitars and drums: Jack Murakami
Arrangement + mixing: Jack.M

This had a lot of effort spent on it and all the members did the best they could. So without further ado, here it is :

You're Not Here -- Originally by Akira Yamaoka and Mary Elizabeth McGlynn -- Performed by White Claudia for your listening pleasure.

Listen with headphones for the full experience.

and with that, I'll leave...and once again : "Happy 24th Birthday Jacky"

2006-11-28T18:35:00.000+04:00

'All I need right now is a polished moon.
The kinda moon that you and I can touch and feel ...
A grand Utopia that's hardly ours but never fades.'

Am I heavely influenced by FAKE?'s new album and by Mr. Lloyd himself? Yes I am.

I've been listening to the album non-stop for the past couple of days since I finally found it (keep in mind that everyone who bought the album is being such a prick about sharing it.) and I am liking it. It has a variety of styles in it, it doesn't stick to that dark aura 'SFB' had.This one's a little lighter and a little less tence than the 'Black' album...sure it has it's ups and downs but it's good overall...though i wouldn't recommend listening to it without listening to 'Songs From Beelzebub'first.

I find the connection between these 2 albums quite amuzing. If you listen closely to the lyrics, in 'Dear Dorothy' he kinda put in some hints of 'Baby Blue' and 'Boom Boom'...I still have to actually listen to the lyrics more closely or wait till someone gets them.

Think of it as this tale about this guy who's little lost with his battle with the devil inside of him, and what happens later when an angel shines a light through...

in Ken's way of course...
It might sound a little clich'e but i promise it's an interesting ride..Listening to both albums, that is...for without one, the other doesn't exist. You can't understand one without the other.

Lately i've been writing random shit here and there...more than mere thoughts, less than meaningful lyrics to anything...enough about that.

Before i forget anything, I'd like to announce to anyone who reads this crap that I became a part of a band of the sort and will be posting our first project shortly, more details on that later.

Yesterday was the 2nd day this year that it actually rains...if you could actually call what we have here rain...more like...Heaven's spitting on us. but it's rain no less....people find it gloomy but..i feel relaxed in the rain...maybe because i havn't experienced heavy rain in my life and the fact that it doesn't rain here much often...Sky looks so beautiful in the morning...I force myself to wake up earlier than usual, no matter how late I sleep, just to have time to stare at the cloudy morning sky and kiss it on the cheek with a cheery good morning hoping it'll make my day too...after all , what's a blue sky for?

2006-11-20T15:50:00.000+04:00

i've been upset about the whole finals thing...today wasn't really a good day when i woke up
i had this exam, it was hell to study..i did okay, i think...but i got al ittle annoyed.
this girl sitting infront of me, obviously has a crush on the teacher who was watching us during the exam (keep in mind that it's a female teacher) after the exam , she kept going on and on about how she couldn't do good cause the teacher was in the same class as her...........i won't comment on that but it got me even more annoyed...the headmistress caught me today about my hair..she was just scolding me but i wasn't paying attention to what she was saying...but it got me even more pissed.....it was one of those days where everything just pissed you off.

then..........it rained....
i've been waiting for it to rain for so long...now was the day..unfortunatly i had to stay in class the whole time, watching it from the classroom window...
Finals also have been switched yet again....From Jan. 16 to Jan. 3
i don't know how something as simple as rain could've made me feel better...

today i walked back home with a smile.

2006-11-16T15:45:00.000+04:00

ever wished for a x-mas mericle?... if you did, don't ever do it again.
i always wondered why i had to take my finals during christmas and new years. though we don't really celebrate christmas, i wanted to feel the so called 'x-mas spirit' they all talk about...well...
i got christmas and new years off.........but it came with a price.
the price is : finals shifted from Dec. 24th, to Jan 16.
which means...imma be taking a final on the 21st.................
the mericle's turning into a nightmare.

now i regret my wish greatly......should i?

...i really gotta get my project done by this weekend...i've had it for too long, and i feel disgusted by keeping it for so long......the price of choosing to work with myself without a partner, i guess.

2006-11-07T00:40:00.000+04:00

why do i have this habit? whenever i start a blog, i eventually neglect it?!
maybe it's cause...my life's not that eventful ... more like , not worth writing down.
or maybe i'm just being swamped with school work..lately it's been piling over like shit, and beleive me, i'm not slacking off or anything...that is the life of a scientific junior, i guess....

apparently, somehow, i lost a couple of friends...i don't know why, i don't know what went wrong...i really thought we were good friends...anyone mind telling me what happened? i guess it's for the best...got me to know who liked me or who was just being 'nice'..in result, i think i made some new friends too....though i hope it doesn't turn out the way the thing did before....well, only time will tell. i guess....

school's been....odd lately....i don't exactly know what i do there that get me so tired and i pass out the minute i walk in my room...due to that, my whole day's been screwed up...i'm messing up my sleeping and stuff...gotta work a little on that...i think im returning to my bad sleeping habits of only geting 3 hours a day of sleep.....i should take care of myself more.

now i fully understand the phraze ''feels like there's not enough hours in the day''...
who's job is it to bring those extra hours?

2006-10-03T16:40:00.000+04:00

2 years ago, i was this little girl, who was affected by one single person, and changed me a little inside...i guess.
that one person made me want to sing, i thought that person was so amazing to a point, it was sort of idolizing....i wanted to push myself and sing like that person, though my first attempt failed miserably, that person kept pushing me to try harder and work to improve, and i was, i sang every chance i got, when i heard about something that might improve my voice, i did it, whenever there was a song that person thought i could do, i did it, even if i sucked big time...i got support...and i'm thankful for that.

i don't know what i ment to that person, but i could say that they ment something big to me...and frankly, i was a little hurt when we had a falling out...i thought that i had lost my interest in singing, but no...i didn't, in fact, i even wanted to get better and better. though it's only for fun, i sometimes take it seriosuly, till it became a dream of mine.

2 years later, here i am, maybe i'm still the same naive little girl i was 2 years ago, but i certainly learned a lot of things...and this is what i became :

Shoot me down, with your Vilolet Shot...

Happy 2nd, Ri...

2006-09-25T14:27:00.000+04:00

Jade's little Mission Impissoble :

When Jade woke up this morning, she was glad that she actually woke up early so she could prepare herself for school slowly and not all rushed out. she checked her classes for the day, got verything ready, dressed up nicely and chatted with a bunch of people online. but something wasn't right...either she woke up a little too early, or her ride's running a little late, turns out her sister takes all the time she could have to prepare herself, which means spending 20 minutes on make-up. her sister's work started 30 minutes after Jade's, that's why she didn't care. Jade didn't worry much about it though, she was sure that she's gonna make it to school, cause she was never late.

After that, Jade's brother came to the rescue and he dropped her off to school after giving her sister a lecture about responcibility...and Jade actually thought she made it on time, but after her brother left, she noticed that it was quiet....a little too quiet, so she started running to class, trying to hide from any people while passing through the administration, lucky for her , everyone was on their desks working about whatever.

Jade finally came to the door of her classroom, tryed to listen to what the teacher was doing, which turns out to be writing on the white board, so she took the chance and opened the door slowly to figure out a way to her desk, then she glanced a girl mouthing to her 'get in! hurry'.

She took that advice and tryed sneaking in beforethe teacher could see her, which was working perfectly, till she heard that everyone in the class laugh about something...Jade turned around to see the teacher looking at her all mad and stuff.....Jade said one thing : i was actually doing you a favour, i didn't want to disturb the class. smart little thing, isn't she?

In the end, Jade was sent to the Administration offices, sat there for an entire hour, waiting for someone to give her a permission slip to get back into the class......

Her thoughts : Fuck that!

...The End...

2006-09-17T00:16:00.000+04:00

precious strainger...i'd rather burn the moments, than to shine with false memories...
count to seven and come to a pause,cause you won't find anything beyond.
is it all wrong? is it all right?
my precious strainger, look up,
or do you not dare? to meet up with the merciless sky
to catch a sight of broken angels and dead feathers...
the seven blues wait...to be pierced...i wait...to be seen...

so with those crystal eyes...

precious strainger...look up, won't you?

2006-09-13T21:04:00.000+04:00

School sucks...Home sucks...The weather sucks...My computer sucks...meh..

second week of school is about to end and i'm already picking fights with all my teacher... today was with my arabic lit. teacher cause she thinks im not active in class...yesterday it was with my physics teacher cause she thought i was cheating...and the day before was with my chemistry teacher cause she gave us a pop quiz and got on my case for not studying...fuck that!..just like what Joe told me today...i never have good luck with teacher...all my life i go on with a sign over my forehead that says 'Hate me! Hate me!'...yup..that's Joe, alright.

i've been playing guitar almost everyday now...trying to polish my none-existing skills..i think im making progress...still practising Barre chords...especially the Bmaj...i'm trying to play this song called 'You're Not Here' from Silent Hill 3...might be my possible next recording...it's a fairly easy song and i should have no problem playing it...but the Bmaj....=_= screw it.

Last night, i made myself a new SoundClick account...i never liked my old one, plus this is like..letting-go-of-my-past sort of thing...i only put the songs i think i started to sound decent in...(i just realized i only recorded 2 songs in 4 months...i suck), and i kinda like it so far...
if anybody wants to check the link, here~ :

I Wanna Know Why The...Spider2pins So Beautiful...

and yes, i am aware it's the same name as the blog's...i just can't help it, this song means something to me...

2006-09-07T18:47:00.000+04:00

September 3rd marked the end of my so called 'Summer-break' and the beginning of my so called 'life' at this new so called 'school'...fucking yay...

the first week just ended...but..i didn't think it was gonna be that stressful, y'all. it's only been 5 days and i feel like there are not enough hours in a day for my own...i'm wondering if this is really better than staying at home all day...well it depends i guess.

it's like a whole new world there...seperated from this one...it's like these 2 worlds are not ment to collide, cause there are no ways that you can relate both worlds to eachother, not even the people i see everyday. you enter it and you have to forget that there's a whole other place out there and just focus on the world you are in right now...you come out of it and you don't even wanna think about the world you were even in a while ago...see what i'm talking about? you just can't work it out in anyway...that i know of.

how long are 2 years? is it really worth it? guess time will tell eventually...

2006-08-30T23:10:00.000+04:00

well...there it is...just a few days before i get back to school...actually, i don't feel anything, i don't feel the rush of it, i don't feel like anything's gonna change...funny isn't it? guess i gotta wait for it to actually happen to hit me.

all i've been doing lately is visit friends and run around finishing stuff for my transfer to this new school...it might be a fresh new start, since i don't know anyone or anything there...it's supposed to be better than the one i'm in...but im kinda scared of the change, since everyone i know is in the school i'm in right now...guess it's not so bad trying different stuff, i just hope i do'nt regret it later on.

a few minutes ago, i was walking home and on this car, i saw 2 cats sleeping on top of the hood of a car....something in me told me to stay a bit and watch them...when the cats looked at me, i came closer to them and started rubbing my hand on one of them...but then it just stepped back, as if it didn't want me there...i am a strainger to it after all, then i just got up and went on my way home, and i looked back for a bit to see the other cat sleeping beside the first one...did i get a little too emotional abotu cats ever since Panda and Kitty're gone? i miss those little bastards...anywho~ i just hope i can see them again someday.

2006-08-18T20:29:00.000+04:00

A new summer day, followed by a new summer night...that's how it goes on everyday...
a few days ago, more than a week ago, what should be good news to my family, was a fucking nightmare for me...my sister-in-law got pregnant...and all of it came crashing down on me.

for starters, she demanded that we get rid of my cats, Panda and kitty...i was and still against the whole idea, but who'd wanna listen to the voice of the last youngest member? as far as they're concerned, i'm just a little kid who doesn't know what she's talking about, and should be left barking like a dog on the side...which led to them making me give my cats away myself... and what's worse, no one is bothering to look at her 2 faced personality, and of course, who'd believe me if i told them? everything would be okay with me if she fucking stayed away.

stress is literally piling up over my head, with classes starting in 15 days, i gotta start preparing everything...this is supposed to be a fresh new start...though i doubt it would be any different than the others...
screw it, let's just go on and see what's faith got up it's sleeves for me...

2006-08-01T00:34:00.000+04:00

this morning, i woke up realizing that i only got 2 hours of sleep and i'm all sweaty and shivering...i notice that it's 4 AM and i can't seem to calm myself down...i look in the mirror and i can't help but think "what the hell is happening to me?"...i did not look fine at all, i was all pale, the rings under my eyes got worse and my eyes got all bloodshot, and i can't seem to breath properly through my nose...i had the flu and i had it real bad...what really made it worse is that my allergies decided to kick in with it...yeah.

that has been going on for me for a few days now, and it ain't pretty...and what do i do about it?...nothing..for the past couple of days it's all a little blurry to me...although i do remember going to the beach and falling in the middle of a street out of dizzyness...

i seem to be a little better now, but still suffering, i'll be fine...eventually.

anyways, a few days ago, our Dogfight collab got posted on soompi, i think it turned out pretty well...im' not exactly hearable but it's still okay~wouldn't wanna ruin it anyways..the point is, it did it's purpose, which was to piss off some guy...at least that's my reason.
Chorus : Pwns
Main Vox : Double Pwns

and that's all i'm gonna say~

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/songInfo.cfm?bandID=470728&songID=4243442 : a link if anyone's interested in listening to it, which i recomment btw.

then i leave hoping tomorrow would be a bit better than today.

2006-07-23T01:17:00.000+04:00

running into people that you know and did not see in a long time is cool...running into people you know did not see in a long time that you hate is fucking bad.
this seems to be happening alot these days...coincidence?? the shit it is! people just love to screw me over...is it that much fun? i wonder...

big news is, after a lot of discussions and argues and yelling and screaming and all that crap, my parents look like they're splitting up...mom's going to Canada and is planning to take me with her, and me alone...kinda saw it coming, and it's probably for the best anyways, but the Canada thing...i'm still not sure about it...anyways i won't bitch about it cause i know lots of people have it worse than me...it's just not right for me to complain.

gotta look up any ways to learn web designing shit, cause i'm gonna have a job that requires me to know these stuff...family business thing, and i'm the only one in the family who knows anything about computers...barely...better get started now, learn photoshop, illustrator, Java script, etc...sounds like a major pain =_=

i suppose having a job is better than having nothing. at least i'd be making money, right? and i'd have connections with the boss~.

2006-07-19T05:27:00.000+04:00

Today, i got the usual "I Love You" so many times...
i got the "I Love You" for a piece of bread
i got the "I Love You" for a smoke
i got the "I Love You" for playing a game
has the word "Love" been reduced to such thing?? something said to get what one desires? something meaningless, far away from it's original purpose?? if so...boy, was i naive or what about my understanding of "Love".... now ain't that a bitch?

2006-07-14T01:00:00.000+04:00

every single day when you wake up, you kinda have this feeling of what kind of day it would turn out to be...today...wasn't really one of the best
because of my lack of sleep...ended up getting 3 hours of sleep and getting up at 6:30 AM...which made me sick to my stomach all day....heh, what really helped out is that i didn't have anything to eat all day...ain't that a fuckin treat?...am i slowly abusing my body?? that, i wonder

plans kept getting on and off...just when i found something productive to do with my day, i get sent back home to clear up some conflict shit that i mysteriously got in somehow.....

been getting online..alot more than usual..met up some interesting people, and we're actually planning to take on some "Big Shot" on this forum together...or to put it in other words, "beat him in his own game"..in the words of one of those people~...needs a little more discussion though....my part of the song isn't really getting into my head ~yeah, my perfectionist side talking~...anyways, i'll get to that later....just hope our gang leader's healthy, na? *you know who i'm talking about*

okay, i got nothing else to say....peace!